The Lord is your Shepherd

                                Shepherds give me the willeys!  Those long robes and head coverings and big, bushy beards.  It’s like they’re in a disguise or something.

I’ll make you lie down in green pastures.

                                Now there’s a great idea.  I’ll be covered with ticks for the rest of the day!

I’ll lead you beside still waters.

I didn’t even pack my swim suit!  Don’t for a minute think you’ll get me to go skinny dipping!  And that water’s probably full of leaches.  That’s all I need; dozens of blood sucking leaches all over my naked body.

I’ll lead you in paths of righteousness

So now we’re going hiking!  With all the blood loss from the ticks and the leaches, I’ll be lucky to make it ten steps.  I don’t have a water bottle, I’m wearing the wrong shoes, and I bet this path of yours has lousy cell reception.  If I fall and twist my ankle because of my bad shoes, I won’t be able to call 911, and I’ll probably die of dehydration before the EMT’s can find me and airlift me to a hospital!

Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death

                                What did I tell you!

I am with you, my rod and my staff will comfort you.

That’s another thing.  It’s bad enough you’re dressed in that sketchy shepherd suit, do you have to carry weapons, too?

I prepare a table before you…

At least remember that I have strawberry allergies.  Give me anything with strawberries and my throat will tighten up and I’ll die of anaphylactic shock.

In the presence of your enemies

                                 Way to add insult to injury

I’ll anoint your head with oil

                                It takes days to rinse that stuff out of my hair.

Your cup runs over

                                Great!  So  I’m gonna spill my coffee again today!

Surely goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life

Are you telling me that some stalkers named Shirley and Mercy are tailing me everywhere I go?

And you shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Let me get this straight.  I’ll survive the Creepy shepherd and his friends Shirley and Mercy; I’ll endure infestations of ticks and leaches, food poisoning and wandering aimlessly on some wilderness path only to get into a lifetime mortgage I’ll never get out of?  Just my luck!

Amen

                                Whatever!