I can get so angry at God and myself when I perceive failure in certain things: my performing, parenting, being a provider. I say I want to know God better, but in the end, there's still too many times I want to be my god. I suck at it, of course, which only makes me angrier still. "Let it go," I tell myself. "I surrender all," I sing; "Take my life," I pray. Until I get embarressed by a blown trick in a show, or I can't fix a broken lawn mower, or a daughter's broken heart. Then I go right back to thinking I should be the omnipotent one, I should be the morally perfect one, I shouldn't fail.
On the eighth day, I created myself in the image of God. But a poor reflection of the Great I Am am I.
We're told that it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance, yet I still fall back on self criticism and working harder to turn around the messes I make, the sins I commit (or worse, the ones I believe.) So, perhaps to know God better require more failure in the same way thirst helps us see the value of cold water with a new intensity. After all, it was the prodigal son who was brought into the feast, not the faithful, self reliant one.
If God's whole point in taking on the form a baby in an insignificant town in the Roman Empire was to save us from our sins, why do I believe I can't or won't sin (Though oh so rarely outwardly, and oh so often in my thoughts and attitudes.) His kindness leads us to repentance; He rejoices in the repentance of a sinner; He knows we are merely dust, not Rocks of Gibraltar.
And the ironic, seemingly illogical truth is, my closest times with God are the times I come broken before Him, knowing that I am not enough, and knowing that I don't have to be; I can't be; I'm not SUPPOSED to be.
But He is.
So if I really want what I've been praying for- to know Gow better - perhaps it starts with knowing myself better as I stand imperfect in His presence. And perhaps, although I tremble at the thought, it will take more poor performances, more broken lawn mowers, more times when I am not enough when I try to rescue the people I love the most, to get to that point.
If this is so - and even if it's not -God I need more of You. Flood me with your grace. Even when I fight it.