A while back, a found the quote below in an e mail from Sojourners ministry, and I found it intriguing. I saved it in my blogs, and over the past year or so have added to it several other quotes that have gotten my attention. None of them are scripture, but I feel are worth contemplating. You can see the whole collection here:

http://www.supremecourtjesters.org/SCJBlogs/tabid/66/Post/1300/Cool-quotes

"I have come to understand and listen to the fear. I walk towards it and I lean into it to find new information — and the things it has to teach me." -Tracee Ellis Ross

I had no idea who Ms. Ross was when I first read this quote. It took only a moment on the internet to learn that she is the female lead in the TV sitcom "Black-ish". I've never seen the show, as its 9:30 air time is past this middle aged man's bedtime, but her statement made me reflect. Anxiety is a big part of my nature, and I come by it honestly. As a teen and young adult there were many late nights I'd come home nervously pretending I was sober because my widower father was awake at the kitchen table Himself unable to sleep as he fretted about one or more of his five sons. (Even as I write this, I am sitting up waiting for my 17 year old to come home from a friend's house. Pa, I'm so sorry for what I put you through on those late nights.)

So when Ms. Ross talks about not only listening to her fear, but walking towards it; leaning into it, she definitely got my attention. It brought to mind my very first juggling performance as a high school junior. It was part of the school's talent contest and I was scared: weak in the knees, sweaty palms, do I really dare go out on that stage alone scared. And not just while I waited backstage, but the whole week leading up to it. I contemplated quitting and just walking home, but my dad, brother and nephew were in the audience and a lot of classmates knew I had signed up to participate, too. This is my first clear memory of walking toward rather than away from the fear. Deep down I knew if I walked away I'd never perform for an audience ever in my life. In the 40 years that have followed, I have done approximately 3000 juggling shows, workshops, and demonstrations.

Another fear I've had to lean into has been my fear of flight. On the one hand, the memories of 9/11 can be paralyzing to anyone who needs to board a plane and relinquish control to an unknown pilot. On the other hand, it's kind of hard to do mission trips to Africa and South America, or even visit our daughter in Texas, without flying. After two round trips to Ecuador in which I white knuckled the plane's armrests every minute, I finally learned to relax on a return flight from Paraguay. Don't really know what changed, but I'm grateful to say the least. On Our most recent trip to Uganda, I barely broke a sweat. I even enjoyed parts of it.

But Tracee Ross's quote takes the idea of leaning into our fears a step further as she says," I lean into it to find new information, the things it has to teach me." What have I learned from fear? First, anxiety is just an emotion, not truth. As the prophet Jeremiah said, "The heart (emotion) is deceptive above all other things." I am learning not to let fear and anxiety to convince me that it is reality, even if I can't get it to leave me alone entirely.

I'm also learning about God's faithfulness in all things. Honestly, living in a time and place in history where we have instant coffee, microwaved food, high speed internet and drive through fast food, I have a hard time waiting for God- years sometimes- to show up. But when I can, I see that he has proven himself true in all things; even and especially the hard things. And his timing isn't always convenient, but it is always right.

Now as our last child is in her final year of high school and the empty nest lurks around the corner, there's a whole new type of fear: are our kids going to do okay in their adulthood? Will they follow God? Will they make good choices? Will they be happy? Will the world be kind to them? These worries present a whole new dilemma. First, we aren't there with them each day to make sure they're okay. Also, the above questions are much more open ended. Even flying to Ecuador, within less than a day we would arrive and I could let go of the arm rest and breathe easily again. When can I ever breathe easy about the world's treatment of my kids? Their faith, their future, their happiness?

But perhaps breathing easy isn't supposed to be the goal. Perhaps we are to lean into our fears, learn from them and know that Someone bigger than myself will prove Himself true every time. Remarkably, this is equally true when I worry and when I don't.