Many therefore of his disciples, when they had heareth this, sayeth, 'This is an hard saying; who can hear it?'  From that time many of his disciples went back, and walketh no more with him.  Then sayeth Jesus unto the twelve, 'Wilt ye also goeth away?'  Then Simon Peter answereth him,' Lord, to whom shalt we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.”

PLOT TWIST!

Then sayeth Peter, 'Verily verily, Lord, we must doeth something regarding the loss of congregants.  How mightest thou adjust our mission in order to draweth more followers unto us?'

'Mayhaps,' saith John, 'We might trieth free chalices of coffee for seekers who visit our most holy of gatherings.' 

'John, thou speaketh truth', sayeth the Matthew.  'I sayeth unto thee that Starbucks art the brand that is most pleasing unto thine palate.  Lord, letest Thine disciples purchase only from Starbucks when serving the seekers who visiteth us.'

'Yea, Lord,' speaketh James, 'I sayeth unto Thee that Thou mightest consider ceasing with Thine a cappella singing from the Psaltry.  Pray Thee, consider a slick worship band with fog machines, light shows and wailing electric lyres.'

'James,' replieth the Peter, 'Thou knowest what others knowest not.  Music unto which thine tappest thy toes might be the solution to increasing the numbers of disciples who draweth unto Thee, Lord.  Verily, verily, Thine creation loveth a good show.'

“Behold,” spake Matthew, “Mayhaps, Lord, Thou shouldst consider shortening thine sermons as well.  Verily, the sermon Thou spake on yon mount rambleth for three chapters.  No man desireth a longwinded Messiah.”

“Verily,” added John, “Thine wardrobe lacketh adequate style to draweth sheep unto Thine fold.  Thou sandals art worn, Thy robe frayeth much.  Shalt we venture unto the Gap when we returneth unto Jerusalem?”

“Truly,” James replieth, “Both thine wisdom and fashion sense are bestowed on thee from above, John.  Yet how shalt we afford a change of wardrobe when tithing decreaseth with each disciple who strays yonder?”

Peter advised, “As Thou, Oh Lord, worketh more at being cool and relevant, Thine flock shalt again groweth in numbers, if not in fruits of Thine Holy Spirit.  Mayhaps Thou shouldst  googleth a humorous video with which to begin Thine next service.”

“Verily,” James spake, “Furthermore, Thou incessant preaching on sin troubleth many.  Humbly may I encourageth Thee to preacheth wealth, happiness and success.  Many shall come back to Thee saying ‘Lord, Lord.”

“Truly,” sayeth Jesus, “Many shalt come saying ‘Lord, Lord,’ and I shalt say unto them, ’Depart from me, I never knew you.”